“Relationships improve when we enhance our state of emotional well-being.”
– Renée Trudeau, life balance teacher/author/speaker
Ever worry in advance about a situation or a relationship and unilaterally decide the outcome will be bad so you strike first? Me neither. I would never use the preemptive strike tactic. Or maybe I’ve been unaware of my preemptive strike habit and how it has affected my emotional state of well-being.
I have been known to periodically participate in what I call “bathroom mirror conversations” when I’m in distress about a relationship issue.The person I’m talking to is (of course) not present. By the time we are finished with our dialogue, I have decided my side of the story is the correct one and the other poor soul is wrong on almost all counts.
Here’s an even better example of a preemptive strike from Mark Nepo’s Book of Awakening: “After finding he had no jack, he began walking, hoping to find a nearby farmer who would help him. It was getting dark and the crickets were getting louder. As he walked the overgrown road, he began to throw the dice of worry in his mind: What if the farmer’s not home? What if he is and won’t let me use his jack? What if he won’t let me use his phone? What if he’s frightened of me? I never did anything to him! Why won’t he just let me use his phone?!
By the time he knocked on the farmer’s door, the guy was so preoccupied with what could go wrong that when the friendly old man answered, my friend bellowed, “Well, you can keep your Goddam jack!”
A preemptive strike is intended to preempt or forestall something. It’s an action designed to neutralize a potential threat. In order not to be hurt or judged, we think we can protect ourselves by striking first.
It’s what we fondly refer to as the Spiral Mind Game, when a Voice in your head, in an effort to protect you from whatever MIGHT happen, gets out of control and takes over the bus in your brain.
In her book, How to Stay Sane, Philippa Perry offers this advice. “We need to look at the repetitions in the stories we tell ourselves [and] at the process of the stories rather than merely their surface content. Then we can begin to experiment with changing the filter through which we look at the world, start to edit the story and thus regain flexibility where we have been getting stuck.”
What is that Preemptive Strike Voice in your head, bless its little heart, telling you?
Oh yeah–I have to comment. My preemptive Strike Voice is trying to push me out the door of my procrastination. I love your work, dear Jeanne. And seeing Jeanne Guy gatherings reinforces my desire to have “Magdalaena” gatherings (about who knows what). I bet somethin’ will happen when I do. I would love to come to one of your gatherings. You always inspire me with your willing transparency. I love you, Magdalaena
Hope to see you at a future Re-Story Circle, dear Magda!
Hmmmm… at age 63, I thought I was done with my bathroom conversations until I started one this very week! And I certainly didn’t think anyone else knew about them or did the same. Going to look into Perry’s book. Wish I could be there the 19th but am out of town. Thanksl.
Thanks, Suze. Just when we think we’re done with bathroom mirror conversations, another mirror arrives. Such an opportunity!
What an excellent (timely) topic last night’s ReStory Circle was. Thanks for an exciting journey into our “inner strike zone”.
My goal will be to assume the farmer will not only lend his car jack gladly; he’ll invite me inside, for a slice of his wife’s hot apple pie.
If she offers pie, call me! Thanks for being there, Barbi.
Jeanne,
This is great! A good friend of mine, talks about going to MSU. Sounds like school? Yeah, the “Make Stuff Up” school. I know, I have to focus on what I know and not go to MSU. It sounds easy but it is not. Thanks for sharing the preemptive strike, it sounds like we are all good at spinning stories in our minds.
Regina
MSU – great, Regina. I think I must have attended classes there on “Story Spinning.” Great comment.
The group was so awesome. How marvelous to be so immersed!
Thanks. Couldn’t agree more, Barbi.