“Oh, the comfort…of feeling safe with a person – having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” ~~Dinah Craik
A relationship ended for me recently and it was painful, at first. I felt discarded.
I know I’m not a perfect person and take note, this won’t be a perfect blog. I’m not even striving for perfection (it’s highly overrated, not to mention exhausting). I’m practicing self-acceptance these days. What a relief. In Flint Sparks’ words, I’m practicing … “being without anxiety about non-perfection.”
Translation: I’m practicing sitting with what is.
And that’s what I did when a good person I have known for a number of years decided we should no longer have contact. Five years ago I would have sought to figure it all out, make it work. After all, I’ve done that for a good part of my entire life – been the peacemaker, the fixer, the mediator. It’s about avoiding pain.
It doesn’t feel good to be discarded. Yet I was able to move through it. How was I able to process it more quickly compared to wounds of days gone by?
I sat with it.
I didn’t stuff my feelings, or “become my emotions” or run away. I stopped and looked at them, and I gave space for understanding and acceptance of what the other person was possibly feeling. I felt compassion and love. It didn’t have anything to do with being right or wrong. There was no need to discuss or try to fix (manipulate) the situation. I let go of any need to justify or persuade. I realized it wasn’t mine to mend. I was only responsible for my response.
I was, I kept reminding myself, a good person. And that was critical: to be steadfast and true to myself, to love myself through it. The person’s reasons to end the relationship did not diminish me as a loving, caring human being, nor was that the person’s intent. Coming from a deeper, centered place within me, I was able to expand my heart so I could honestly send love and good wishes to the other.
I had to let go of trying to make it work, and in doing so, felt a great relief. Instead of the weight of a forced relationship, I realized I was free to focus on my own deepening and spend time nurturing current meaningful friendships—those relationships where I neither had to “weigh thoughts nor measure words”…
Does the pain still pop up? Yes. So I move back into the stopping, sitting, accepting myself, accepting the other—and move into a clear mind and open heart, seeking wisdom and compassion.
Sometimes the greatest growth comes through pain but it’s not the pain that helps me grow, it’s my response to it. The question then is, will I suffer because I want things to be different than they are, or let the pain inspire changes that help me grow? The choice is mine.
What do you need to let go of? A relationship? Or maybe a sadness or a belief that’s not serving you? If you let go, what new joy might you make room for?
I love you Jeanne. You always show up just when I need you. I just said good-bye to my home of 13 years. The first home I ever lived in that was owned by me or my family. It was the right decision for me but still a loss. I am now living as a Bedouin for about 7 weeks. I am filled with excitement and curiosity about the hello to my new home. But in the meantime, I appreciate your reminder to just be with what is. The here and now is always the best place from which to anticipate the future.
Holiday joy,
Beverly
Thanks for the love and for sharing your story about your home. I know others who read your post will be able to relate. Here’s to looking for and experiencing lots of holiday joy.
Your story created sadness in me but at the same time, such AWE at your inspirational (and healthy) response to having to say goodbye. Another lesson learned from my awesome sister.
Hugs and Love
You paved the way for me because of your unconditional love. You taught me about responding to the world; sometimes I listened, sometimes I had to learn by doing things the hard way (imagine that) and falling on my face. Ultimately, love is the only rule and that’s what my family of origin knew. Hugs and love to you, Jo.
Sad…and beautiful. Indeed, the loss is theirs. Love you so much!
Focusing on personal growth, our friendship and ice cream are at the top of my list these days…lots of love coming your way!
Oh I am sorry. I loved the blog – how important for us to each learn to just sit with what is. Good reminder for me tonight 🙂 Hugs to you.
Good to hear from you, Maggie. When I forget, will you remind me as well?! Hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday.
Oh. Wow. Your loss reminds me of ones I have had. However, your heartfelt reactions are so other and self-loving. I have much to learn in this arena … thanks so for being there to show the way! Love to you…
You and I will continue to hold hands and cross the street together. Love to you, too, Nadine.
Thanks to Alyce for her comments:
Jeanne,
Your “Saying Goodbye…” piece is quite wonderful. I’m printing it out in its entirety to re-read when I need to.
Thanks,
Alyce
Thanks to Patti for her comments…
On 12/7/2012 6:26 PM, Patti DeNucci wrote:
This was beautifully written, authentic and showed courage, vulnerability, and some ideas on how to process grief and loss productively and most of all gently. Thank you, Jeanne.