Manipulation Motivation? A Look in the Mirror

“It seems the only way we can truly know our own depth
is to wait for our associations and reflexes to subside,
till we are clear as a lake again. Only when what gets stirred up settles
can we see ourselves and each other clearly.”
— Mark Nepo

My husband loves TED talks and he recently shared some relationship information he had gleaned about married couples not being responsible for each other’s happiness. I sat on the edge of the bed listening and felt a few tears roll down my cheek and made a confession.

“I do that sometimes,” I said.

“You do what?”

“Expect you to make me happy, and when you don’t, I say things to control you or to control the situation. I phrase things to put me in a good light and you, well, to make you see the error of your ways.”

We both had to laugh, before he hugged me and said, “Isn’t that sort of passive aggressive?”

“Ugh. Yeah, I guess it is.”

We have a “rule” around here. Honest, Direct and Respectful. My intentions, most of the time, are well meaning. But you can throw them out the window if manipulation is involved.

What a tough wake-up call. Staring at my face in the mirror, I realized that honesty wasn’t staring back, and being honest with myself was necessary to being honest with others. It takes a big dose of self-compassion, lots of deep breathing and even then, it ain’t easy.

Stepping back and allowing a broader view helped me find some clarity. I could see what was going on and catch it and make a shift. Becoming aware of and admitting my sometimes-flawed manner of communicating—even well meaning—is important to changing it. Actually, it feels like a deep cleansing of a part of me that needed my attention.

I have a dear friend I’ll call Jane, who suffers from dysthymia, a clinical diagnosis of moderate, persistent depression. After resisting it for years, she has decided to accept its presence, and in so doing, when it appears at her doorstep, she does not try to hide it when it causes her to cancel a meeting or an engagement. Instead of making up reasons (lies) for not being able to meet someone for a movie or a meal, she tells the truth. “I can’t meet you because the depression is here today.”

The amazing thing is, in addition to feeling better about being honest, the dysthymia loses its grip of shame. Her close friends (who already love Jane) now understand and don’t take the breaking of their date personally. All have understood and have offered their love and support, and even a helpful suggestion or two, having experienced similar conditions. Ah, burden lifted.

Jane was trying to manipulate, with all good intentions, communication with trusted others.

And the ironic thing is, when we cease manipulating, the results usually seem more favorable. If I stop trying to change “someone” (like my husband), and see him from a broader perspective, I can speak the truth with love, which causes him to take a step back and do the same thing. It has improved/deepened an already loving relationship.

And if he knows what’s good for him… 🙂