“To let knowledge produce troubles, and then use knowledge to prepare against them,
is like stirring water in hopes of making it clear.”
— Lao-Tzu
“This is the trick to staying well, isn’t it: to feel the sun even in the dark.”
— Mark Nepo
I have a friend who is in a dark place. She’s been in that dark place for a very long time. I’m just like a sponge where she’s concerned and her pain is my pain. The good news is she knows it.
The bad news is…she knows it.
She “knows” too much. She’s brilliant and her intellect has hijacked her wisdom. She has been awake at 3 a.m. with some of the ugliest voices/words she just could not stop, voices in her head that have usurped the power of self-love and self-compassion. Do you know that voice?
She writes, “I just can’t talk right now….so dark. While I want you to know because I do believe you love me, I just can’t stand ‘inflicting’ this on anyone. It’s SO old and tiresome.”
She’s tired of struggling with depression and she’s tired of “imposing” her depression on others. She knows I hurt for her and she wants to spare me the pain.
Depression remains outside the realm of the work I do and I have therefore never written about it. I’m not qualified. But, there is something to be said for airing the pain of the situation. When I began this particular blog, I wanted to affect my dear friend’s thoughts and feelings and help her out of her current state of mind. I wanted to say to her and to any reader, please, please ask for help when you need it.
Hard to do, don’t I know it. It’s hard to ask for help at the very moment we need it the most. We feel vulnerable. We feel we should be able to handle whatever it is that’s taking us down. Ever felt like you needed help but just couldn’t bring yourself to ask for it?
She writes, “Everything says to change my thinking – I’ve never worked so hard at something in my life and don’t understand why I can’t seem to do that – it just gets worse and worse.”
That’s where your wise self gets shoved in a corner by the intellectual voice that tells you you shouldn’t have to ask for help, how stupid you are that you can’t figure things out.
We all know that voice. It’s NOT the voice of self-love or self-compassion. Ask for help? She can’t ask for help. The voices are so loud and controlling, they have short-circuited her ability to ask for help, which leads to her feeling abandoned.
So, rather than tell her she must ask for help, here’s what I know.
As her friend, I must make the call when she cannot. I can offer my love and support. I can make the call, send the email, the text, the card—all the while knowing and trusting, once stabilized, she has the wisdom inside of her to move through this old and debilitating pain and suffering.
In order to do that though, my self-care becomes radically important. Only if I have taken care of myself can I be her listener, her sounding board, her port in the storm, empathize and be present.
Immersed in good self-care, I can do this without falling into the vast ocean of darkness with her. Trying to be a savior rather than a friend would only leave two of us adrift.
Take good care and you can stay afloat when those you love cannot.
Jeanne,
Your blog could not have come at a better time for me to “hold onto.” I have too plunged into the darkness and am always beating up on myself for not being the smart, capable woman I have been and can’t “pull myself out of this.” I don’t reach out because – exactly as you said – I can’t imagine wanting to drag my friends and loved ones into the abyss with me.
Some of what I’m going through will just take time to heal and recover from. Much of it will probably get better when I accept getting back to what feels like hard work right now — taking care of myself. Hope to see you soon,
Cheryl
Cheryl – I’m so glad to hear from you. Believe me when I say how good it will be to see you join us again in Circle. You are loved and missed. Just took a breath for you. Now, as they say, it’s your turn. Sending hugs.
This subject is complex and very important. It’s becoming more common in today’s world. Who among us hasn’t encountered this kind of darkness? When this kind of depression hits and lingers, it’s often not shared with those who love us. Maybe pride makes us think we should be able to rise above it. Instead, it can be like being stuck in quicksand. The more we try to help ourselves, the deeper we sink. Over time, we lose the energy and ability to even ask for help.
When I get down (for long periods) I call that person “Bummer Barbi”. I keep to myself. After all, who wants Bummer Barbi at parties? She’s such a downer! Since I’m mostly happy, “Bummer Barbi” is a surprise for some of my closest friends.
You covered this topic tenderly, wisely and intuitively. May your friend find some level of peace very soon. (and thank you for using my illustration!)
Barbi – We’re talking about something universal here, aren’t we? And you’re right, it’s complex and important. Guess we should remember to hold hands and cross the street together. Thanks for everything.
Wise advice to all of us who have precious friends who become lost in the dark abyss. When we stay centered, we can provide our heart’s ear for listening, which is the greatest gift we can offer.
I learned from you, dear Joyce, how important it is to remember to care for ourselves in order to care for others. Gracious thanks.
Sharing with permission a wonderful comment from new friend Karen Nunley…
LOVE your last blog. Intriguing title. And this: “Take good care and you can stay afloat when those you love cannot.”
Nailed it right on the head!
Karen