In my memoir, You’ll Never Find Us, Karen—my best friend of now sixty years—played a crucial role in my ability to remain sane during that period of my life. The 1977 story of how my children were stolen from me and how I stole them back wasn’t an easy one to live through, or write about. With her strength, calmness, and wisdom, Karen helped me remain tethered before, during, and after the kidnapping. When I began writing the story, she contributed to both the memory recollections and the editing process. She also helped in the accurate portrayal of the characters, including that of her father, Dr. Bob Ross. She did that at great expense.
Recognizing her father’s significant shortcomings caused her profound sadness and disappointment as she reflected on his actions. Among other things he, in omnipotent fashion, inserted himself in my life claiming to be the only one who could prevail in getting my German ex-husband to return to the US with the children; “only he understood the male psyche.”
A larger-than-life psychologist and protestant minister, Dr. Bob had counseled me as a young teenager at the behest of my parents (I was a little unruly at fourteen), which is how Karen and I met in the first place. Here’s an excerpt from You’ll Never Find Us:
As I sat in Dr. Robert Ross’s office week after week, handsomely framed degrees covering the dark paneled walls impressed and intimidated me. Based on those extensive credentials I felt I had no right to question his authority and, at fourteen, rather than put stock in the arrogant, self-aggrandizing, patronizing undertone I sensed, I instead revered “Dr. Bob,” his preferred moniker. What saved me though wasn’t his professional counseling. Dr. Bob had a daughter my age—Karen, and she was the answer to everybody’s prayers. I dodged boarding school, Dr. Bob became almost like a second father, and Karen and I became best friends.
Karen and I grew up in the patriarchal 1950s and Dr. Bob was a doting father to her. She observed his dominance over her subservient mother but, because of his charismatic personality, accepted the role he played as the wise head of the household. In his arrogance, over time he revealed himself as a true player in the era’s undermining of women. It had to be difficult and painful for Karen to realize how he negatively affected my life—and hers—back then. Manipulation painted as kindness and wisdom is easier to detect in hindsight. His egotistical, privileged-white-male attitude became increasingly troublesome for Karen in the years following the kidnapping.
Though she remained a “good” daughter when her father’s health (and mind) began failing, she also had to come to terms with the damage he had caused in his own relationships with his wife and his three children. He died in 2012. Painful as it was, Karen was instrumental in the decision to accurately portray her father in my story.
I am blessed to still have Karen in my life, though distance is tough since she’s in Chicago and I’m in central Texas. We’ve hit some rough spots in our sixty-year friendship (what friendship hasn’t?), and we don’t talk as often as we’d like (I’m a lousy phone correspondent), but I know she’s there for me and I’d drop everything and show up at her door if she needed me. She is a wise, loving, one-of-a-kind human being. If you’re interested, this is how she is helping people now. www.KarenRossNow.com
I think one of the best things women developed over history is the value of a lifelong friend. This story about what Karen meant to you is heartwarming and makes me want to ‘call a friend.’
Thanks, Linda. Lifelong friends are truly special, especially the ones who keep you glued together when you’d otherwise fall apart!
I’m looking forward to reading the new book!
Thanks so much for your support, Peggy. You and Dave have been great–and patient–friends!
Oh Jeanne!
It sounds like Karen is one of your “sacred angels” that we encounter on our bumpy life journeys. Her honest portrayal of her father in your book probably helped her heal at the same time she was supporting you.
You must be so happy and excited about your book! Looking forward to buying and reading it.
Wow, disassembling the patriarchy….regaining OUR power…quite a theme. Much of my book is about supporting young boys in play therapy (before the culture and puberty gets their claws on them)!
Love and a post pandemic hug to you,
Didi
She is one of my sacred angels for sure, Didi. And you’re right. The grief she encountered by acknowledging her father’s behavior has led to her being true to herself, which helps one heal.
Love your comments. Also glad to hear about your writing work! It’s all needed!
Love,
Jeanne
I am impressed by your willingness to tell your story–and your friend’s willingness to let her story become part of it. I am reminded of an Anne Lamott quote: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
This sounds good, but what if telling your story honestly affects another victim–someone whose behavior was just fine, but who is perhaps not ready to tell their story yet? You and your friend inspire me–and have me thinking about how I handle such things in my own memoirs.
Sherry,
Thanks so much for your insight. Karen, like many other women, was a victim whose behavior was just fine, and she chose to see and tell the truth of the story. She is pretty darned amazing.
Let’s write on, Sherry!
I came to know and care about you during Story Circle workshops, Jeanne. Your dedication and bravery in telling this story greatly inspires me. You are one of my angels. Hugs.
Pat, you know there’s nothing better than a Bean Pat for us SCN gals. Your kindness is contagious and creates angels where there were none before. Hugs back.
Hi Jeanne,
Loved your story of this long-term angel in your life. I, too, have had a number of angels who have sustained me and led me to the next step in my life. In fact, I’ve lost a few of them recently as they made their transition. The memory of the gifts of their friendship sustains me.
I checked out Karen’s website and referred a couple of friends dealing with neuropathy to her. One of them has followed up.
Looking forward to reading your book.
Hugs,
Linda Marshall
I know all you’ve been through, Linda, and still can’t imagine it. And yet, what I do know is “she persists” – and that describes you. I’ll be sure to let Karen know of your referrals. You are (as usual) a dear for doing that. Let us carry on, right?!
Dan Bullock
July 12
Jeanne is a dear friend, great writer and role model servant leader. Her inspiration through her “Artist’s Way” class got me motivated to climb out of a life rut and explore healthier creative possibilities. I’m grateful to this moment.
Jeanne’s blog and upcoming book are written with courage and compassion, and insightful observations gained from an abundance of life lessons. We’re the lucky beneficiaries of her putting her experience to paper, filtered through her observant eye, compassionate heart and courageous spirit. I’ve spent many delightful hours enjoying her spoken insights. It’s great that she’s now committing them to paper. You’ll enjoy joining me in adding them to your must-reads.
Dan Bullock
Dan, oh Dan. You are among a handful of men who really get it. May you lead the way for more men to understand that we are all equal, that we all matter, and that we all need to learn to play the guitar as well as you. Love and hugs to you and Annette.
This is a touching mini-story of your friendship, Jeanne, and such long friendships are rare. It speaks to the quality of your connection that Karen was able to hear and understand the reality of your relationship with her father. I’m very much looking forward to hearing the whole story in You’ll Never Find Us.
This 3-minute read is packed with profound facts, Jeanne. The gift of a life-long friendship is huge. Yet, taken to the deeply layered journey that you and Karen have traveled and arrived at the truth of her father’s shortcomings go far beyond huge, IMHO. My copy of your long awaited memoir has been on order since “You’ll Never Find Us” became available. Looking forward to reading this story that I know without doubt will be wait the worth, given all your hard work. xo
Authoring a book does indeed take hard work, but taking that deeply layered journey with Karen and arriving at difficult truths proved to be much harder. I applaud her and love her more than words can say. Thanks for your support – and your astute comments, Mary Jo.
How wonderful to read these beautiful thoughts from some pretty amazing women. I’m honored to be a part of this whole process. I was reflecting this morning back to when Jeanne started writing this book. Her intent at that time, as I recall, was simply to document the story for her children – just a short recounting of events. And, look at it now! Talk about process…and growth. Amazing.
You’re biased, and I love it. Where would I be without having had you in my life all these years? I’m going to be a better phone correspondent, I promise!